Things to do Tomorrow:
~Read
~Clean
~Print Papers
~Food Journal
~Tea
~Meditate
~Dishes
~AP+P Homework
~Email Mom-Number of Pills(31), Lease
~Call Grandma
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Laundry
~Run
~Various Homework
~Larka

It's been a good few weeks working. Even though hours seem pretty long.




( Poem )


So I've been a bit busy lately. This weekend I had to go to Utica everyday for 6 hour scuba lessons. Luckily I'm done with that until Mayish. Getting certified is hard, but its a lot of fun.

I finished up with work yesterday, so now I'm preparing my room for Tyler tonight. I'm excited to see him, it has been awhile and I know we'll have a good time while he's here. So far all I have planned is a doctors's appointment that he has to drive me home from, and we're cooking my grandma dinner on Saturday. My parents might take all of us to a hockey game as a family thing. So I think I have a bit planned and than this Sunday its back to school with Tyler.

I really do miss him.

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Striding over the tundra, swinging a studded crowbar, cometh Moonlightlilies! And she gives an ominous bellow: "I'm going to smash you until your anus and mouth reverse their functions!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

( Survey )


Things To Do Tomorrow:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Give Larka TLC
~Exercise
~Orthopedic Appointment @ 9a
~Meditate
~Clean Room (1/2 hour)
~Water Plants (x5)
~GI Appointment @ 10a
~Mayo
~Yoga
~Drink Morning Tea
~Read

Things To Do Today:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Give Larka TLC
~Exercise
~Work 10-1, 2-8
~Meditate
~Clean Room (1/2 hour)
~Water Plants (x5)
~Mayo
~Yoga
~Drink Morning Tea
~Read

Things To Do Today:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Give Larka TLC
~Exercise
~Work 10-6
~Meditate
~Clean Room (1/2 hour)
~Water Plants (x4)
~Call Sarah
~Mayo
~Yoga
~Drink Morning Tea
~Buy Crickets
~Read



However, justifying and excusing are two different things. I simply can't afford to daydream about what certain listings might be like. I need to make hard and fast objective decisions.

Things To Do Today:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Give Larka TLC
~Exercise
~Work 2-8
~Meditate
~Clean Room (1/2 hour)
~Water Plants (x3)
~Mayo
~Yoga
~Drink Morning Tea
~Clean Larka's Cage
~Read


So I know it looks like I did nothing yesterday, but I did spend two hours shoveling part of the driveway with my sister and then I played my Nintendo DS for about 4 hours and did read a bit of my book and took a lovely long nap. Therefore, I did do something, just not what was on my list. Ok I'll admit I'm lazy. And for some reason I get more done at college then when I'm home.

And my parents told me I didn't have to leave, so obviously I'm staying.

( New Year Morning )


I just found a website that I really like. www.lime.com. Its about centering yourself and living a green life. They articles about health, yoga, fitness, meditation, green lifestyles, etc. I think it's interesting and a change of pace.

After many years of battling myself I think I'm finally figuring out who I am. It's taken 19 years and will probably continue until the day I die, but its nice when you can feel a sense of identity. I'm starting to realize the type of lifestyle I want to live and the type of person I've developed into. I'm becoming aware of my beliefs and the things I care most about. And believe it or not its not other people. I know that other people can take care of themselves, but I care about the things that can't care for themselves such as the environment and endangered species. I'm becoming more in tune with my original thoughts and finding that I wasn't childish back then, but more wise than I could accept. I've been thinking about my new year's resolutions and I'm not sure if I want them to benefit me, other people, or other things.

New Year's Resolutions:
1) 'Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.' — Mark Twain I don't think anyone can say this any better. It's so simple and so practical that it only makes sense. It's easy, practical, realistic, and above all self-improving.
2) Good Day Sunshine: In a perfect world, we'd all have time to take an hour-long spinning class before heading into the office, but back here on planet earth, that's not as easy as it sounds. However, I can rev up my heart rate in the wee hours of the morn' by taking a mere ten minutes out of my daily routine. There are lots of easy options: Take a quick brisk walk around the block before heading to work/class, do a few sets of sun salutations, or do three sets of push-ups.
3) I'm going to volunteer once a month at an organization or charity, whether its a soup kitchen or an animal shelter. If I'm not able to volunteer for some reason, then I'm going to donate to charity or organizations. If I'm lucky maybe Tyler would be willing to do the same.
4) And finally get my wildlife rehabilitation license.


Things To Do Today:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Give Larka TLC
~Exercise
~Meditate
~Clean Room (1/2 hour)
~Water Plants (x3)
~Mayo
~Yoga
~Drink Morning Tea
~Clean Larka's Cage
~Read

Above all, I wouldn't want people to think that I want to prove anything. I don't want to prove anything, I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. I have that right, haven't I?



Things I Would Like To Do Tomorrow, But Probably Won't:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Give Larka TLC
~Exercise
~Work 8a-8p
~Clean Room (1/2 hour)
~Water Plants (x2)
~Mayo
~Yoga
~Drink Morning Tea
~Clean Larka's Cage
~Read

Things To Do Tomorrow:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Drink Morning Tea
~Give Larka TLC
~Take Paul to See Golden Compass
~Clean Larka's Cage
~Yoga
~Exercise
~Laundry
~Put away Christmas Presents
~Read
~Water Plants x2
~Mayonnaise
~Half Hour Cleaning



( Long Survey )

We're unique in our own way, and we can be on the opposite ends of two extremes. When we're good, it's just bloody awesome. We're gay and we just go on about anything and everything. He makes me feel like a million dollars and he brings some sort of happiness to me that no one else does. I feel completely comfortable when we're talking together on good terms and he's the one boy I would do anything for. The type of boy I would bring home to meet my parents, the type I would never be ashamed of when I introduce him to my friends. He's the first thought I have when I wake up and the last one before I go to sleep. When I think about him, it brings a smile to my face even if it's just totally random and out of the blue. The way I feel towards him can't be described through words, nor can it be measured. I know what I feel inside towards him is genuine and that if I could just set my mind to it, I can make anything work with him. He's the biggest part of me.


Things To Do Tomorrow:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Drink Morning Tea
~Give Larka TLC
~Work 2-9p
~Clean Larka's Cage
~Yoga
~Exercise
~Put away Christmas Presents
~Read
~Water Plants
~Half Hour Cleaning

But human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else, some new version of themselves, and live on forever.


Things To Do Today:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Drink Morning Tea
~Give Larka TLC
~Clean Larka's Cage
~Orthodontist @ 11:15a
~Yoga
~Exercise
~Put away Christmas Presents
~Read
~Gyno @ 1p
~Water Plants
~Half Hour Cleaning
~Errands with Mom


The winds continued to be strong, though not so much as Monday night. I'm glad we woke up with power Christmas Day, which seemed a little questionable with some of the gusts I had felt around midnight.

( Poem )


I have figured out that I'm hiding my depression through anger and frustration. So now that the anger is starting to fade, very slowly of course, the depression is beginning to kick in. Tyler calling me to "apologize" is not a good idea. I'm not sure why I choose to talk to him at all on the phone. Its pointless. My whole life is turning into a power struggle. I need to go somewhere where society hasn't changed the natural behavior and emotions of people. Where people aren't brainwashed by traditions or government. Where ideas are original and unique and stereotypes don't exist. Society has become a place of constant brainwashing and stereotypes. A place where tradition has died and materialism has taken over. I should just give away everything I don't need and only have a closet with clothes a bed and Larka with a few candles. Do I really need anything else? No. Society has taught me what I know and to break away from society is lonely and hard. I believe that society is the real reason behind many of today's problems. Why do I have to be labeled by habits, addictions, educational background, major, name, clothing preference? Just because to some those things matter to me they're just names of accomplishments, whether negative or positive. When someone defines themselves through a career or major I just want to slap them and tell them that they've lost all self-worth. There's more to a person than just those things, there's emotions, aura's, and a soul that goes along with the body that is overlooked and labeled by the career. I hope when I get older I don't say, 'Hi, I'm Amanda and I'm a(n) ___'. What am I at an AA meeting? I mean honestly that's what people do, they sit there and list there accomplishments whether you care or not, because thats how they define themselves as a person.


Do I really want to stay awake to see if Tyler tries to make contact later, again? Probably not. Lets see how long Amanda can stay awake without falling asleep. Probably not long.

( The One Song That I Can Relate To )


I don't deserve love.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!



This grammar
Is too hard to learn in one life
Surrounded by horrible case endings
Inflexible parts of speech
Words
Their pins pulled out and ticking



Things To Do Tomorrow:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Drink Morning Tea
~Give Larka TLC
~Work 10a-6p
~Yoga
~Exercise
~Read
~Celebrate Christmas @ Grandma's
~Water Plants
~Half Hour Cleaning
~Wrap Presents


I hate how the one person I thought could make me feel better, apparently can't. There goes that support system. Where's my therapist, when I could really use her? After arguing with my lovely boyfriend he decided he didn't want to talk to me because I was bitchy and therefore, told me to call back later. Bullshit. I'm not calling back later. I rather take care of Larka and go to sleep then fight with him some more. Apparently every time I have a bad day or am in a bad mood or just plain bitchy I'm going to have my period soon. I guess I can no longer just have a bad day. Does that mean that every time a guy has a bad day he's going to get his period? Obviously, no.

It's not that I don't want to talk to Tyler, I just don't want to talk to him about what's bothering me in order to prevent a fight, but apparently not talking about it creates the fight. Why can't he just be happy with the fact that I'm not in a good mood and would rather talk about something else? Apparently guys are more nosey than girls with gossip since girls just usually wait until the other person wants to talk about it, whereas guys need to know right then and there.

I'm tired of being the one that feels guilty and calling back a little while later and apologizing. Why can't he call or take the initiative to apologize?

( Poem )



I hate how I can't write about certain things because people will read it and bitch about it. And then if you delete them, they'll take offense. I'm getting really close to wanting to just delete people. I think releasing anger and frustration is more important than waiting for the consequences.



Wow. Today = long

He wanted to meet in the real world the unsubstantial image which his soul so constantly beheld.


Things To Do Today:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Drink Morning Tea
~Give Larka TLC
~Clean Room/Closet
~Yoga
~Exercise
~Read


I have this horrible chest cold. It is quite disgusting when you're spitting up green crap. I hate being congested.


Sometimes you have to forget the rules, follow your heart and see where it takes you.
Never apologise for saying what you feel cause that's like saying sorry for being real.
Never regret anything you said or did cause at some point it was what you wanted.

Things To Do Tomorrow:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Drink Morning Tea
~Give Larka TLC
~Work 8a-8p
~Clean Room
~Yoga
~Exercise
~Find Pool Schedule
~Read



So I was talking to Tyler today on the phone about how confused our children are going to be because of our religious/spiritual differences and the fact we're veggies. I'm going to allow my child the option to eat meat and all that stuff, but I'm not promising it'll taste good if I cook it, or anything I cook. But for thanksgiving where the main theme is partly the turkey, neither of us eat that, and I eat fish on thanksgiving, it would be stupid to cook a turkey for one person, but I think it'll be interesting. Besides that though I'm wiccan and Tyler is christian so we have different concepts on holidays and "rituals" and traditions. I guess our children will have the best of both worlds. Just be a little more confused at first.


Anyway my mom knows I'm wiccan and that I don't really celebrate christmas, but that I participate in the gift giving and all that jazz because the rest of my family celebrates it, so it's just easier to go along with it. But I told her today that when I move out and have a place on my own I'll be celebrating my holidays and will acknowledge hers. She got all in my face and was telling I shouldn't even get presents since I don't celebrate Christmas and that I'll one day believe in God. And I told her I wouldn't. And she just kept denying that fact and thinks I'm all crazy and going through a phase, even though I've been Wiccan for a long time. She told me that God would reach me and if he didn't I'd be going to hell. My question is when did my mom become all religious and Godly? I found it really frustrating at the time but now I just find it funny.

I find that my mom and I keep having a constant power struggle. Mainly because she won't let me have my independence of mind. Oh well. I've figured that this struggle won't go away until I'm officially out of the house aka Grad. School.

In field or mountain,
Nothing stirs
On this snowy morning


Somehow I always manage to buy the chirping crickets.

Things To Do Tomorrow:
~Clean Cricket Cage
~Drink Morning Tea
~Give Larka TLC
~Doctors Appointment @ 9:30a
~Clean Room
~Water Plants
~Yoga
~Exercise
~Find Pool Schedule
~Sell School Books on Ebay
~Call Nancy
~Read


You may suffer from my overexposure.






It's a pattern see
That star there, I think I'll call her Saturn she
Another one I'm flatterin' We
Get lost and nothing else matterin to me
I know I'm kinda far from the sun
But she keeps me on the run
But look at me, I'm having fun
And look at all I've done

"We are remembered by the gifts we leave behind."

Of course I am talking about more than the material things we leave behind, but the memories that we have. The things that we remember, good, bad, things we planned, and sometimes the things we didn't plan as well.

Life comes at us each day, we never know what might happen tomorrow, but through it all at the end of each day, will you remember and be able to say you didn't have any regrets? Some say life is like a game, life is a mystery, life is journey... through it all did you live honestly, truefully, were you able to smile at the end?

What has touched you... all these things are in your memories and these memories leave traces behind in your heart. Some happy, some sad, some painful... but ALL evidence that life goes on each day.

No matter the changes in life, people WILL come and go in your life, I may be here or gone tomorrow... I hope we can leave some good memories behind. To have them, then to let go and still walk on to tomorrow.

For those who read this I will remember you and I want you to know that you have touch me... I and pray that I have left you some good memories as well. Tomorrow you will live on dreaming for your dreams and to share each day each memory you make and to live with all that you have.

PS. I love you. ♥



, the kiss
that didn't last, but sent some neural twin
flashing wildly through the cortex. Love's
merciless, the way it travels in
and keeps emitting light.



Tyler's taking me home today. I want to go home because I miss my family, naturally. But I want to be with Tyler at the same time. I hate being away from him so much, it literally tears me apart. It's just so weird sleeping alone, not getting hugs and kisses, not having a shower buddy, and of course not having my weekly sex. I wish I could combine the two worlds and then everything could be perfect.

Wouldn't you think that people who care about you would want to help and be around you more if you were upset. At least I am that way, but I really have found out that nobody wants to be around that sort of downer behavior, and that itself leads to more loneliness. No matter who it is, or how much they care about you. VERY FEW people will actually take care of you. You only have yourself. But here is my question, what happens if you don't know how to fix yourself anymore that you already have? What if the only thing that will save you is that very person helping you?
SPREAD THE FUCKING CHEER! YEAH.

( Book Survey )

Some of the evil of my tale may have been inherent in our circumstances. For years we lived anyhow with one another in the naked desert, under the indifferent heaven. By day the hot sun fermented us; and we were dizzied by the beating wind. At night we were stained by dew, and shamed into pettiness by the innumerable silences of stars. We were a self-centred army without parade or gesture, devoted to freedom, the second of man’s creeds, a purpose so ravenous that it devoured all our strength, a hope so transcendent that our earlier ambitions faded in its glare.




Tyler gave me my Christmas present. It's a heart-shaped blue Sapphire.